What to Do When Your Gratitude is Tested

Originally posted on The Uncommon Normal

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It’s funny how we can breeze through our lives, believing so many beautiful, core truths about ourselves without ever realizing—some things are only true because they’ve never been tested.

It’s funny how we can breeze through our lives, believing so many beautiful, core truths about ourselves without ever realizing—some things are only true because they’ve never been tested.

My gratitude was tested

I recently learned some tough lessons about my brazen, breezing and believing ways. My entire life, I believed I was someone who didn’t just practice gratitude, I prioritized it.

I saw the good.

I praised the Lord.

I counted my blessings.

I filled entire gratitude journals.

I could even find the upside when things didn’t turn out according to my plan—which was often. Like most low-to-medium (and occasionally, raging) control freaks, the urge to do things on my own terms, according to my own schedule, and in my own power, was strong.

But, no matter how great I thought my ideas were, God’s are always better.

This, I do know to be true. And knowing this fundamental truth has always helped me find something to be grateful for when life went sideways. I’d often say my realist’s heart could always see the storm clouds—but my grateful spirit could always discern some semblance of a silver lining.

I was so wrong.

On August 16, 2021, life didn’t just go sideways; it got turned upside down as I learned two important things about myself.

Two important things I learned about myself

First, I learned I had an invasive breast cancer that would require an immediate plan of action. I’d love to say I received my diagnosis with a modicum of thanksgiving, but I did not. Instead, I hung up the phone, staring hard at the storm clouds rolling in and desperately searching for anything remotely resembling a silver lining.

I would have settled for a silver patch, a silver shard, a silver thread, anything that offered comfort or hope.

But try as I might, I couldn’t. All I saw were the storm clouds. It was then I learned the second important lesson about myself: how very little I actually knew about gratitude because, up until then, my grateful spirit had never truly been tested.

It made me wonder what other untested truths I had spent too long believing about myself.

It also made me determined to never take gratitude for granted again. I resolved to go through whatever was ahead of me, prayerfully and with an intentional spirit towards gratitude. No matter how tough things got, I didn’t want to miss the blessings tucked inside the twists and turns of treatment.

It’s amazing the things we can see when we finally start to pay attention.

I’m still not grateful that I have breast cancer, and I’m okay with that. Maybe someday I will be, but right now, mid-fight, I’m giving my realist’s heart the grace it needs to just feel whatever it needs to feel about August 16, 2021.

Still, the road God has paved for me over the last several months really has been rich in blessings, teaching me about gratitude in so many unexpected ways:

I am grateful every day that early detection has meant more treatment choices for me. I may not always like the choices, but I am so very grateful to have them.

I am grateful for truly understanding that time is finite—and a tremendous gift.

I am grateful for the opportunity I have during this season to slow things down. Moving more methodically has enabled me to experience everything around me with greater discernment and a heightened sense of presence.

I am grateful for learning how to ask for help—even (or especially) when asking feels overwhelming. It’s taught me an incredibly invaluable lesson: asking for and accepting help actually gives us a deeper understanding of how to be a kinder and more compassionate helper.

I am grateful for experiencing firsthand the power found in vulnerability and surrender. I no longer come to God with all my “great ideas” on what should come next. Instead, for the first time ever, I’m simultaneously genuinely curious to see how it will all work out and confident that it’s all for good.

But, most of all, I’m grateful for a God who constantly challenges us and calls us out into deeper waters. A God who stands before, behind, and beside us when all we can see are the storm clouds.

A God who loves us far too much to ever let us spend our entire lives believing in untested truths.